Here is an acrostic po(o)em for all you patriotic poopers!

Ass needs love

More washing less wiping

Eat your fiber

Remember history

Infections no more

Care for your bum

Always fresh and clean

This 4th of July, proudly flaunt your stars and stripes, but keep in mind that red, white and blue in your poo isn’t so patriotic. We care about your health just as much as we care about America. So here is some info on what to do(o) if your waste starts to either red, white, or blue. 

Red-

Seeing red in your toilet is alarming. But before you freak out and get your affairs in order, just know there could be many logical, harmless reasons for this. You could just be one of those  powerful superhuman menstruating people doing what powerful superhuman menstruating people do every month for about 4-6 days. Or you could have just consumed something red like Beets, Jell-O, tomato soup, or Red Flavored Kool-Aid. (Oh YEA!) Hopefully one of these is the culprit for red in your toilet bowl. But, if you are not sure, the red you see could be blood… and now would be a good time to re-address your initial thoughts. If it’s bright red, the blood likely comes from the lower part of your digestive tract. Common causes of such blood include:

• Noncancerous tumors
• Cancer
• Inflammation in the colon, called colitis
• Growths called polyps in your colon
• Conditions caused by small sacs in the wall of the colon, called diverticular disease
• Hemorrhoids (we can help with that)

White-

A white piece of crap? That’s unheard of… Though rare, medicines for diarrhea like bismuth subsalicylate (Kaopectate, Pepto-Bismol) can sometimes cause pale or clay-colored poop. (Submitting that as a new Crayola color). So can barium, a chalky liquid you drink before you get X-rays of the upper part of your digestive tract.

A more serious cause is a lack of bile in your stool. Bile is made in the liver, stored in the gallbladder, and released into your small intestine to help break down all that quinoa and kale you just ate (😉). If there’s not enough of it to give your poop that sweet brown color, it could be the sign of a problem along the way.

 Liver diseases, like hepatitis, can keep bile from getting into your body waste. Blockage in the tubes (called ducts) that carry bile can also cause white poop. This can happen because of:

•  Gallstones
• Tumors
• Biliary Atresia

Blue-

CCing Members of the Blue Man Group… in case they have Blue Man Poops. Though uncommon, blue poop does happen! Some forms of edible blue dye, when consumed in large amounts are known to cause poop to turn blue, especially if they pass quickly through the digestive tract. As long as blue poop is genuinely blue (not blue-green), you’re good, oddly enough. You should probably show everybody though. Add it to your instastory… you know, just in case.

(Information on colored poop from WebMD)