A recent Kinsey Institute study found that 45% of women and men have tried anal sex. It makes sense: the ass is full of nerve endings and super sensitive, and depending on your body, you can experience direct prostate stimulation or indirect G-spot stimulation. Plus, anal sex is naughty, which itself is a big turn-on! The bottom line: anal sex can feel amazing and give you intense orgasms. Talk about it with your partner before you go there, share any fears you might have, and know that many of them may be myths. Anal sex can absolutely be safe, clean, pain-free, and, most importantly, pleasurable. The first step: realize that it’s your butt in the driver’s seat, embrace that power, and don’t be afraid to call the shots.

When it comes to your ass, there is no faking it. If you’re hesitant, nervous, or not into it, anal sex simply won’t work. Your enthusiasm isn’t just important—it will translate into a ready, willing ass, so relaxation is key.

Boost your confidence. One thing that often worries people is that exploring anal will be dirty. Make sure you go to the bathroom before your hot anal sex date. You can take a soapy bath or shower beforehand, or I like to use my bidet to give my butt a quick wash. It’s easier than doing a full enema and reassures me I’m showing up to the party fresh and clean (note: if you do have an enema, do it at least two hours in advance). Cleaning before anal can achieve two things at once: prevent a messy situation and make you less nervous.

Safe and slippery. Unless you’re monogamous and STI-free, use a condom every time. Protection is even more important for butt sex, since anal tissue is more delicate than vaginal tissue. Lube isn’t just nice, it’s necessary to make anal penetration feel good. Try a thick water-based lube that’s the consistency of hair gel or a silicone lube. Contrary to popular belief, anal sex does not have to hurt, so don’t try to tolerate the pain like you’re working out at the gym. If it hurts, you’re doing something wrong.

Don’t go straight to anal. Start out slowly: kissing, teasing, oral sex, penetration with fingers—whatever you know gets you hot. The more turned on you are, the more receptive your ass will be. Butt plugs are a great way to warm up the ass; slide in a well-lubed plug, then get into a 69 position. As your partner goes down on you, your arousal builds while your ass gets used to the feeling of fullness: win-win!

One finger first. Most people’s number one mistake: they rush the process and end up in trouble. If you’re an anal beginner, agree in advance on a realistic goal: how about just one finger or a slim toy, plus a great orgasm and call it a night? If you’re experienced, your partner still needs to take their time and gently coax those sphincter muscles to relax with their mouth, fingers, or a slim toy before a bigger sex toy or a penis goes anywhere near your backdoor. Once you’ve worked your way up, bear down slightly to help the sphincters relax. The giver should begin with slow, gentle strokes as you breathe deeply and sink into the feelings.

Find the right position. Spooning is good for beginners since thrusting can be gentle and can’t go too deep. Take charge by getting on top so you control the angle, depth, and speed. If you’re flexible and love eye contact and kissing, try missionary with your legs up. In doggie style, if your partner enters you from behind and slightly above, you can achieve prostate or indirect G-spot stimulation with fingers, a dildo, or a penis.

Connect with the upfront junk. For many women, clitoral stimulation is the difference between I-don’t-get-the-allure and oh-my-fucking-god. Your partner’s tongue, your hand, or—even better—a powerful vibrator on your clit can transform anal sex into an intense, full-body experience. The same rule applies for the penis and balls, so don’t leave anything out of the equation.

Tristan Taormino is the author of The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women and the host of the podcast Sex Out Loud on the VoiceAmerica Network. Follow @TristanTaormino on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook.