#ANALyzeThis I Got My First Colonic
27 Sep, 2018
When I first pitched this idea to the office, I said "Hey, what if I get a colonoscopy?" The room of confused faces led me to believe that this was either a terrible idea or that I pitched the wrong thing. A colonoscopy is not a colonic. Mind-blown, right? Once we got on the same page, I quickly learned for sure what a colonic is. Before I break it down that experience for you, let me explain to you what it is not.
A colonic is definitely NOT:
- A colonoscopy, (as stated earlier) which is the endoscopic examination of the large bowel and the distal part of the small bowel with a CCD camera or a fiber optic camera on a flexible tube passed through the anus… not quite a colonic (according to Wikipedia)
- A scary experience where someone shoves a tube up your butt to suck out all the poop.
- A pointless thing that only rich people do to make themselves feel skinnier.
Now that we got that out of the way, let’s talk colonics. I polled TUSHY’s 14k Instagram following to see if any of you had experience with colonics and were willing and able to offer up any advice.
As you can see, the general insta-populace was not with the sh*ts... literally. That didn't stop me from my mission to cleanse my colon and find out more about colon hydrotherapy. I was connected with an amazing woman named Tracy Pipe, colonicist to the stars. She owns The Piper Center for Internal Wellness. She was more than happy to introduce me to the world of colon hydrotherapy and all that is has to offer... and let me tell you, it's a lot.
First, you are supposed to prep for two days prior to receiving your colonic. Two days before your Colon Hydrotherapy session they suggest that you eat light organic vegetables, fruits, gluten-free grains & light protein like fish. Drinking 8-12 glasses of water (pH of 7 or higher) daily to hydrate the body. You shouldn't eat any fried foods or vegetables that cause gas like broccoli, cauliflower, Brussel sprouts, etc. I did not follow those directions. My basic ass had General Tso's chicken and a grape Fanta the night before and a pint of Haagen Das. So this made me a little bit nervous. I only had myself to blame if things went awry.
When we got to her office, it was so peaceful and comforting. Tracy's personality was so infectious that any anxiety I had pretty much disappeared from the moment we met. I had to fill out a few forms prior to going in. The forms asked about my medical history, eating habits, and general personal welfare. It was VERY thorough, which I appreciated. I assumed that the documents were just for formalities but once I was finished, Tracy sat down with me to go through the form. She asked me thoughtful and thorough questions about my diet and physical activity (hint: bad and non- existent) as well as any physical ailments I had been experiencing. I felt seen. Truly seen. At the time, I had been experiencing a weird pain in my upper abdomen. I also suffer from anxiety (but who doesn't in this political climate) so she recommended that we do an Acu-Colonic which incorporate acupuncture into your colonic. It was a day of firsts, so why not?!
Her facility is very intimate and warm. I walked into the room and she showed me the equipment she would be using... including the medium sized tube that would soon be gently placed inside of my butthole to flush my system of toxins and excess poop. I changed into a robe she provided and then...
It was time.
Tracy uses a combination of internal wellness practices to assess what your body needs including examining your lymphatic system. The lymphatic system is the sewer system of the body and holds so much waste material. The lymph system does not have a pump, so it needs pumping movements to get things out. The lymph vessels are the size of a strand of hair, so it takes time for it to move out. During a colonic, the toxic lymph waste exits immediately leaving you cleaner and lighter. She massaged the area around my collar bone and pelvis to "activate my lymph nodes so that the can be cleared out. She also placed acupuncture needles in parts of my right ear. I can't quite remember why, but it was pretty chill. Tracy keeps essential oils handy for her patients to inhale throughout the colonic. Thyme is very strong. On the count of three, she slipped the tube in my butt, and we were off to the races.
Yes, you are watching my face as a tube enters my anus. We are now bffs.
Here is what happens during a colonic. Water gets pumped into your butt until you feel like you are pregnant with the Atlantic Ocean and your butt may explode and then it's all sucked out in an amazing release of pressure, taking everything with it. Then you repeat for about an hour. In the first few cycles, I yielded little to no results because I was extremely gassy. (Remember that Chinese food?... yea.) Then, as I was watching the clear tube, I saw a little poop nugget float by bidding my adieu. Apparently, there was a lot more where she came from. I'll spare you the details of what came out of me BUT here's a video of the first little one. I named her Hester.
Too much? We're bffs, remember?
Once I was all cleaned out, I felt pretty amazing. Lighter, even. Tracy's bathroom is equipped with a TUSHY (of course) so I ran to the bathroom once our session was over, made sure everything was out and washed my booty with TUSHY. I had a little pep in my step, strut in my butt, and a jump in my rump. Tracy gave me tips and advice on how to keep my colon healthy.
Would I recommend a colon hydrotherapy? Absolutely. Will I do it again? Oh, for sure. I can't have little poops like Hester hanging around in there.
If you have any questions or interest in colon hydrotherapy, visit The Piper Center for Internal Wellness.