Anyone who has ever penguin-walked to the toilet post-coit or wiped their D on a Nirvana t-shirt knows: sex is a hot mess.
While we pride ourselves on knowing how to get it on, it’s just as important to understand how to get it off to keep our bodies healthy, our beds comfy and our double-ended dildos clean.
Read on to learn how to clean up after sex––you don’t need to buy anything special!
Cleaning Vaginas After Sex
Vaginas remain undefeated at cleaning themselves. It’s the vulva/outside of the vag that need clean up after sex.
- Keep it simple and pH friendly!
- Use warm water, mild fragrance-free soap, and your hand or a soft cloth.
- Wash gently and slowly, front to back, so as not to flush any bacteria into your vagina.
- Use a bidet to gently spray away excess semen, lube, and other bodily fluids.
- Use abrasive loofahs which can cause micro tears for bacteria to enter.
- Douche or invert your shower head to inject harsh, fragranced, or antibacterial soaps up your V. Fire-hosing “hygiene” wash into your vag can disrupt the natural pH, which increases risk of infections.
- Use chemical-packed wet wipes or wipe back to front.
- Spray a bidet deep inside your V as this can have a harmful effect on your vaginal flora.
PLEASE NOTE that even a Martha Stewart cleaning sesh *IS NOT* a pregnancy or STD deterrent if you’ve had unprotected sex. Use contraceptives and practice safe sex.
Cleaning Penises After Sex
Really, no matter what genitals you have, the cleanup formula is the same. Use mild, unscented soap and warm water to gently clean your member. No shower available? Stand on your tippy-toes over the sink basin and suds up, including the balls.
If you have foreskin, carefully pull it back and clean underneath to remove semen, sweat buildup and any lingering bacteria. Be sure to rinse all soap residue, especially if you’re jumping into more sex, as it can irritate your partner’s bits.
Peeing After Sex
Have you ever been laid so good that you got to bring a urinary tract infection to work the next day? *Fans self* Here’s why that awful thing happens – the bacteria that causes UTIs chills out near the butthole. When things get freaky and handsy and slippery, that bacteria can easily hitchhike to your peehole and multiply into an infection. There are two takeaways here:
- Peeing after sex is essential in flushing out bacteria that have migrated up your urethra. Pop a squat and push. Even the smallest wee will help! If you have a vagina, just embrace the bellowing queef.
- Washing before sex with a TUSHY bidet can spray away excess bacteria around the bum, giving you a cleaner posterior to get busy with.
Put a glass of water by the side of the bed before you get jiggy to get in the habit of post-coit hydration. Drinking a minimum of 8 ounces of water after sex will replenish your energy levels (sex is hella depleting!) while also flushing out bacteria from your urinary tract.
Also? Dehydration can knock your libido and even make sex painful - yet another reason to get your daily water intake (approx 3.7 liters for men, and 2.7 liters for women).
Cleaning The Sheets (and Walls...and Floors...)
Unless your bed literally looks like the ectoplasm scene out of Ghostbusters, you don’t have to panic-wash your sheets. It’s generally recommended to wash once per week at a temperature of 60 degrees Celsius/140 degrees Fahrenheit.
DO always wash your sheets between sexual partners though, because manners.
If you have something more hardcore planned or are having sex during your period, lay towels on the bed or make sure you have a mattress protector down to prevent bodily fluids from leaking through the sheets and funking up your mattress.
If you sex-stained the carpet, a wall or the kitchen counter, know that we salute you and that there are different tricks for different fluids when cleaning up after sex.
- Period blood on the walls? Magic erasers go to town on wallpaper, painted walls and drywall.
- Lube on the sheets? If it’s silicone-based, you will need to pretreat the spots before you wash.
- Cum on the towels? Avoid bleach as it can actually set a protein stain. Use hot water and normal detergent.
- Leak through to the mattress? Mix up a slurry of cold water, dish detergent, hydrogen peroxide and baking soda and blot the paste onto the stain, working your way from the outside-in.
Cleaning Your Toys
An unwashed sex toy is kind of like a used mop – it’ll still get the job done BUT AT WHAT COST. A frat party of infectious bacteria, viruses and even, um, fungi are doing microscopic keg stands on your vibrator, just waiting to rage in your sweet, sweet openings.
Make sure you’re enjoying clean Os by wiping down your toys with a damp washcloth. Dab on the same mild soap you used on your parts and wipe clean. Unless they are 100% water- and heat-proof, avoid submerging your toys or throwing them in the dishwasher lest you end up with a warped strap-on.
If in doubt, Google your toy and read the manufacturer’s cleaning instructions. You likely need some anal beads anyway. Speaking of…
What About Anal Sex?
We don’t need to tell you how safe, healthy, and outstanding butt-stuff can be - so let’s talk about the cleanup. Anal sex, even when performed super carefully, can cause micro tears to the rectum. So LUBE UP.
It’s always a good idea to shower after anal with mild soap and warm water. Apply all the cleaning suggestions above to your equipment (wash and rinse the genitals, clean underneath any foreskin) and give your backdoor a good sudsing. Don’t be shy - spread those cheeks like they’re curtains on spring cleaning day.
If you’re new to butt-stuff or had a particularly athletic experience last night, might we recommend the TUSHY Spa bidet for those post-anal poops? It’s like getting a warming kiss from the butt gods.
Should You Always Clean Yourself After Sex?
In a perfect world, absofreakinlutely. We understand 2am lays typically lead to comatose sleep. But cleaning up after sex is vital to protect both sexual partners from infections, such as UTIs or yeast infections.
Remember that any fluid that is not your own is considered foreign and potentially hazardous to your body. Lingering semen, vaginal secretions, and condom lube can all increase your risk of infection. Especially if you enjoyed a rough romp, resulting in some micro tears that can let bacteria in.
At the very least, squeeze out a pee.
Bidets Keep You Pristine Before and After the Deed
Washing with a TUSHY bidet is quick, covert, and precise. Instead of completely undressing, running a shower, or doing a Schumer sink scrub, you can clean your nethers in seconds with fresh water.
TUSHY bidet attachments and travel bidets wash away sweat and bacteria, prevent TP from shedding in your crevices, and soothe your bottom after vigorous sex. Don’t knock boots without it!
Just be sure to avoid spraying deep inside your V or b-hole. Even plain water can have a douche effect and introduce foreign bacteria into your system.