The National Footbowel League

10 Nov, 2020

Duh duh duh duhhhhh, duh duh duh duh duh duhhhhhh. It’s Sunday Night Football season! 

Football and poop actually have a lot in common. Blocking a pass. Hurling pigskin. Massive dog piles. And butts! Each week, America’s greatest athletes gather in figure-forming pants to play gridiron, while fans play offense on Three Bean Chili. 

Deep into this football season, we’re starting to ask the tough questions: What happens when a QB has to poop during the game? What’s with the butt smacking? Are there famous poop stories from the 50 yard line? So TUSHY decided it’s time to tackle the subject of all things football and heineys. Let’s go!

What If A Player Needs To Make A, Uh, Pass?

Say Seahawks cu-tie, erm, Q-B Russell Wilson needs to drop a deuce during 2nd down. Generally, he’s gonna hold it. There are regular breaks in play, and each quarter is only 15 minutes. If the urge won’t wait, there are always second string players for every position, suited up and ready to play. Wilson could haul ass to the locker room and, well, make a pass. 

But what if he had to poop a few times in a game? Well, the Seahawks don’t mess around. One of the most famous poop stories in NFL history comes from retired Seahawks starting center Robbie Tobeck. In 2001, he caught a gnarly stomach bug before a big game against Washington. It was a big game and he came to play. Seahawk team trainers stashed an extra pair of pants and a bucket for him to poop in behind the team bench. Tobeck only made it through the first snap before a running back knocked him from behind, causing him to “Jackson Pollock” all over the back of his uniform. And, he stayed in for the next play! 

Tobeck admits it was the most embarrassing moment of an otherwise glowing career. The Hall of Famer claims that skidmarks are actually common for NFL underwear. "This stuff happens way more than people realize. Every time you hear a player got 'snot bubbled,' you have to know the same thing happens on the other end, too. You just get hit so hard, you lose your control for a minute." Robbie isn’t talking out of his ass. A survey by Oklahoma’s Foundation for Digestive Research discovered that 72 percent of conditioned athletes have experienced lower-intestine distress, a.k.a. the runs. 

What’s With All The Butt Smacking?

A good, sportsmanlike butt slap is not specific to football. The extra-low five is endemic throughout athlete culture. It makes some sense. They’re often playing outdoors where verbal affirmations could be lost to wind or crowd noise. And we don’t think of athletes as the most verbally expressive batch to start with. For folks who are so comfortable working with their bodies, it makes sense that they would express their support with friendly, intimate touch. This theory is supported by Patriots cornerback Malcolm Butler, who got poetic when asked about the butt smack: "It's team chemistry, man. It's love. All that touching is showing love. It's a brotherhood." 

Any Tales From The Super Bowel?

Imagine your entire extended family got food poisoning at Thanksgiving. Apparently, we’re approximating pre-Super Bowl locker room vibes. The New Orleans Saints nicknamed their 2010 championship run against the Colts the Super Bowel. "An NFL pregame locker room can be the most god-awful scene you will ever see or smell," says former Saints linebacker Scott Fujita. "We are moments away from the Super Bowl, the highlight of our athletic lives, and pretty much everyone is in the bathroom just absolutely blowing up the stalls." 

When the heat is on, sh*t happens! Another notorious Super Bowel story is from 2015. After a touchdown, Seahawks wide receiver Doug Baldwin pretended to poop a football as part of a end-zone celebration. The NFL cut away from the defecation action and delivered a 15-yard penalty. Thankfully, social media and sports photogs have our backsides.

Are QBs Professional BTs (Butt Touchers)?

The defining relationship in any football team is between an ass and two hands. More specifically, the center’s glutes and the QBs mitts. This hand-to-butt bromance is at the heart of every play. Tom Brady claims he can even ID his centers’ butts blindfolded. “I’ve got my hands on their butts probably more than their wives,” he told the Boston Herald, “so it’s a pretty unique trust and relationship you have.”

We’re not talking about a gentle graze. To deliver the snap, Centers want to feel the QB. They want pressure. "The center wants to feel pressure on his butt so he knows the quarterback's there," said former NFL center Kevin Mawae, who played for the Seawawks, Jets and the Titans. When his QBs are too light-handed? “I'll actually squat down, I'll sit down on their hands. And they'll start to pull out and I'll say, 'Dude, I've got to feel you. I want you to put pressure up on me.' ... I want you to feel like you're lifting my butt up off the ground.” 

Aside from 1000 pound of flesh trying to tackle you for 3 hours a week, QBs are at the peril of some additional professional hazards: getting sprayed with butt sweat. Yes, the swamp ass is real. Former NFL quarterback Chris Simms detailed the drama: "Our center when I was in Tampa Bay, John Wade, his nickname was actually Swamp Ass. In the Tampa heat, in games in August and September, it was torture. There were games I'd take the snap and get sprayed in the face by his butt sweat." Now, that’s intimacy!

What’s the Play By Play?

This has been our color commentary on all things NFL and booties. There’s friendly team-wide ass smacking. There’s low-key “I just got tackled” prairie dogging. There’s high-key “oh sh*t I’m in the Super Bowl” toilet wrecking. And of course, our QB/center relationship delivers near-constant butt touching. 

All in all, football is basically 100% about butts, which was love. Our football advice as we approach play-off season is simple: go easy on the Three Bean Chili, and treat your heiny to a pro-level clean with a TUSHY bidet attachment.