Tales from the Backside: Poop Horror Stories
There’s a chill in the air as Autumn slowly creeps upon us. Tis the season for ghosts and ghouls, monsters and zombies, things that go bump in the night. But I know tales of something far more frightening. Tales that will leave you holding onto your butts. Literally. I present to you real life poop horror stories: Tales from the Backside.
I ate one of those cheap microwave spaghetti dinners, warming it up in one of the public microwaves on my college campus. I get in my car to drive home, stuck in traffic on the 405 South in Los Angeles when it hits - the unmistakable gurgling that signals an epic poop about to come. I'm sweating, clenching my butt cheeks, hoping for a break in the traffic that will let me exit this godforsaken freeway. I'm close to the office where I work part-time; it's closed by now, but I have a key to the building. I clench, I'm dizzy, still sweating, willing myself to hold it. I finally park, run up the stairs. You know those times when you really have to pee and you're there, hovered over the toilet underpants halfway down, knowing that relief is seconds away, you let your guard down, peeing all over yourself. Well yeah, but this time, with epic, burning, cheap spaghetti dinner poop.
I have been a nanny for close to ten years. One time I was taking care of a 4 month old boy, and I took him to a music class for babies. All of a sudden, he has a poop-splosion so big, it went straight out his diaper and onto my lap. The mom's in the class just looked at me, horrified, and no one offered any baby wipes, paper towels, or anything. The teacher of the class just acted like she didn't notice, even though the putrid smell of digested breast milk was filling the room. Luckily I had an extra outfit for the baby, but not for me. Needless to say, we did not stay for the remainder of the class.
I'm a Realtor and I was showing houses to a couple that I hadn't met in person yet. The first place that we went to see was a vacant lot for new construction. We had to meet the listing agent at the lot to view the floor plans. As he was going on and on, talking about the property, my stomach really started rumbling. I was hoping it was just gas but as the minutes passed, the urgent sensation in my bowels kept getting stronger. I knew if I didn't leave quickly, I would poop my pants right there.
It was a bit unprofessional, but I had to excuse myself to "go use the restroom." In the three minutes that it took me to race to the Wendy's down the street, my bowels exploded. It was horrifying. In that moment, as I was driving my brand new Altima, time stood still. The warm soft poop filled the crevice of my butt crack and then turned upwards towards my back.
I now understood why babies cried when they pooped their diapers. I wanted to cry too, but I was too shocked. It took about 15 minutes, but I managed to clean myself up enough in the Wendy's bathroom so that I could go back to my clients. Needless to say, that pair of underwear never made it out of the Wendy's bathroom. RIP cupcake print underwear, gone too soon. I did go back to work and I made it through showing my clients three more houses in the next hour and a half. I had violent diarrhea again later that night after I got home. It was awful. The only positive was that my nice couple ended up buying the very first property. So in the end, I guess it was worth the butt eruption.
Gas Tank on Eww
Why, just this last Monday, I went a-poopin' in my pants (by accident, naturally). I was driving when it happened, and my car didn't have enough gas to make it all the way home. And so I stopped at the gas station to fuel up, drawers droopin, and I saw my friend Khushbu for the first time in years. She hugged me, while I had my own poop in my pants. I was so embarrassed that I sent her a follow-up email.
- Bill R.
You’ll never know when the horrors of an unexpected poo will sneak up on you and drag you down into the smelly pits of despair. Be prepared with TUSHY. It will clean away all of that toxic BOO-ty slime and butthole grime from your asscrack with a clean refreshing stream of water. Get TUSHY. A big bad booboo could be coming for you.