Stuntin’ On A Bu(t)tget
Those few days right before you get paid can feel like near poverty. You owe your mom $450 for an improv class, you know the exact amount of available credit you have on each credit card down to the cent, and (clutch my pearls) you had to cancel your Spotify Premium. You’re in dire straits. The end is nigh.
Chill! You’re far too dope to be having a broke breakdown! Pick yourself up by your faux Louboutin straps. You can still live your best life and we’re going to show you how. After all, stuntin’ is a habit and we’re all trying to get like you.
1. Raid your Queen Mum’s Closet
Thrifting is an art. It takes time, patience and a keen eye for fashion to become the Thrift God we all aspire to be. But let’s stop frontin’, most good thrift stores have become just as expensive as Barney’s. Well maybe not that expensive but it’s certainly too rich for your blood right now. Especially since you haven’t done laundry in weeks because you haven’t found $4 in loose quarters lying around. As a smart and fashion-forward alternative, rummage through the closets and trunks of your family matriarchs. I know it might be hard for you to believe, but your mom and your grandma were probably slaying the game in their day. Their closets are a treasure trove of vintage fashion. And guess what, it’s free.
3. Be a Cheap Wine Sommelier
Don’t believe the hype. All wine tastes the same. The only real difference is that magic ABV number and price. There is no shame in buying cheap wine. It will all end up in the same place: your bloodstream and on a bad day, the toilet. Become a pro at choosing the finest, most decadent price efficient wines. Your friends will admire your not-so-expensive taste and request that you teach them your frugal ways. Another trick of the trade is to find BYO restaurants. You can bring a $10 bottle of wine to a dinner rather than buying a $10 glass of wine. What do they expect you to do with one glass of wine?!
3. Experiences the Lap of Luxury for Free
Living bourgie isn’t reserved for people with money. Cultural experiences aren’t just for the rich. The opera, theater, live music, and museums belong to us all and some of these things don’t cost a single dime. Besides, who can truly put a price on art. Research museums in your city to see if any of them offer free or “pay what you can” nights. Hop on sites like Eventbrite, Living Social or Groupon to see if there are any free ninety nine plays, movie screenings or wine tastings in your area. Your city is your affordable oyster. Speaking of, use those site for discounted dinners too! Put the Top Ramen down. It doesn’t have to be this way.
4. Adorn Your Porcelain Throne
One of the easiest ways to upgrade your lifestyle is to upgrade your home. How about an HGTV worthy home renovation. We’ve got the perfect one for you. Nothing screams wealth and sophistication like a clean derriere. (That’s a french word. Be impressed.) Lucky for you, my dear, there’s TUSHY. It’s a sleek, high class, yet super affordable bidet that you attach to your toilet. It doesn’t require electricity or re-plumbing. It only takes 10 minutes to install. For only $69.99, you’ll get a lifetime of high-class clean ass. The average (basic) American spends over $200 a year on TP… you do the math.
Now that you’ve regained your bad and boujie confidence, go forth and live your best baller life fit for royalty. Yas, Kween!