Pooping 101: The Art Defecating with Roommates
In the course of a human life, cohabitation will inevitably occur once a man cub has reached young adulthood. One must quickly learn to adapt to the other’s ways to create a harmonious and comfortable home for all those existing within the 850 sq. ft. $2500/mo apartment. The simple tasks like washing the dishes, taking out the trash and checking to see if that’s a dead roach may come naturally for most. Respecting one another’s space and privacy while still maintaining a cordial, if not close friendship is a balancing act that requires an almost choreographed precision. Most of these roommate pairings can and would have succeeded, were it not for their lack of pooping etiquette.
Poop etiquette is the customary code of polite behavior in society or among members of a particular profession or group while pooping. We will teach you the best practices in common decency when defecating while living with people.
When a human relieves themselves of their built up fecal matter, some release animalistic sounds in the forms of grunts, moans, and “ughgodwhyyy?” When alone, one should freely release these sounds at whatever volume they choose, however, if your roommate is home, consider for a moment, how unnerving these sounds would be. As you hoot and holler your roommate is left wondering if there is anything they can do to help… there isn’t.
Another technique to consider drowning out the cacophony of pooping would be to turn on the sink to buffer the sound of your hefty chocolate droppings splattering into the toilet bowl. Or the trumpet sounds of the air being expelled from your bowels. If you have a ceiling fan, even better.
After stewing in one’s own stench for a while, human’s become impervious to the smell of their musty mud butt. However, that scent can carry throughout an entire apartment, subjecting everyone and everything to the complete hell on earth. To prevent this, one should first, close the door. Always close the door. Second, spray prior. This saves you and whoever is in the smelling radius from being subjected to the funk of 40 thousand years. If that doesn’t work, light a match and open a window.
“I’m sorry. ‘Twas silent but deadly, madam.”
Using up all of the toilet paper never goes well amongst roommates. Sometimes, when one poops, wadding occurs. Wadding is scientific term* for wrapping toilet paper around your hand 30x to protect the hand from contact with any fecal matter. There is a common misconception that wadding will help clean your butthole better because there is more toilet paper. That is FALSE. Save you and your roommates some money and some arguments and purchase a TUSHY. TUSHY is a sleek and simple to install bidet attachment that fits on any standard toilet. One will receive the most thorough booty wash ever. Introducing the TUSHY bidet to the household will adjust everyone’s way of approaching the way they poop. With a self cleaning nozzle, adjustable pressure and multiple temperature options, the TUSHY bidet will cater to any butt in the house.
No skidmark left behind. When one has completed their defecation ritual, it is customary to flush. However, one flush may not be enough for the mountain of butt fudge you created. One must wash away any leftover poop from the toilet bowl. Try it with an extra flush or get down on your knees and scrub.
When following this etiquette, young adults will thrive together in cohabitation. Just as long as they don’t date one another’s exes. Join us next time when we explore the mating habits of the elusive millenial adult.