ANALyze This: The End of Cuffing Season

Corin Wells | 27 Mar, 2018

ATTENTION! CUFFING SEASON IS OVER! Let the rump romps begin!

ANALyze This: The End of Cuffing Season

27 Mar, 2018

 

The days are getting longer, the weather is getting warmer, and some beds are getting a wee bit colder as cuffing season comes to a close. Oh, what’s cuffing season, you ask? Well according to the only verifiable source left on the internet, Urban Dictionary, during the Fall and Winter months people who would normally rather be single or promiscuous find themselves along with the rest of the world attempting to be "cuffed" or tied down by a serious relationship.

Scientists (me) have deduced that this annual phenomenon occurs mostly due to the effects of seasonal affective disorder and also… it’s way too cold to be sleeping alone. So, what does the end of cuffing season mean for you?

Well, if you’re married, it means absolutely nothing. If you failed to cuff in the fall, it means absolutely nothing. If you’re over the age of 60 and still have no idea what I’m talking about… it means absolutely nothing. For those of us who had an undefined “situation” over the holidays and the cuffs have fallen off in the past months, it means a great deal It means, we’re about to get back out there and slay the game… or spend the entire summer questioning why we can’t seem to commit and fall into an existential crisis. Both are very productive.

Navigating your way back into hook-up lifestyle can be a doozy. I just downloaded two new dating apps, bringing me to a total of 7. You say excessive, I say, you’re absolutely right and my phone storage would agree with you. Being single in Spring and Summer is a hard and tedious full-time job because there is an influx of singles all vying to be each other’s one night stand. It can be daunting especially if you live in a big city like New York. New York is arguably the hardest place to date, but I would say it’s the easiest place to hook-up. But whyyyy? And why do we want to be single over the summer?

In his 1991 quintessential summer banger, “Summertime,” The Fresh Prince said it best. “Summer is a natural aphrodisiac.” He’s absolutely right. Fewer clothes, flushed faces, and sweat are all things that remind us of sex, and they are staples of summer and warm weather. We’re all just out there looking for that fleeting human connection with all of the passion and none of the consequences or commitment.

So go ahead. Change your relationship status from “I guess we’re a thing” to “SINGLE AF” Set your thirst traps, slide into those DMs and dust off your trusty Tinder and Bumble profiles. Sign up for Hinge, OKCupid, and maybe even christianmingles.com just to cover all their bases (like me) because Rando Hookup Season is in full effect.

Just make sure you’re being safe and - of course - clean with a TUSHY bidet. Stay ready, so you don’t have to get ready. As a matter of fact, mention in your dating profiles that you own a bidet. I bet you’ll get a lot of swipes.

Uplevel your hole bathroom experience.

SHOP BIDETS

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