How to Poop at Work (Politely): Tips for Every Scenario
29 Oct, 2020
Quick and Dirty Toilet Tips:
- Never let them hear you plop.
- Seek out the private stall, every office’s designated pooping room.
- Leave your phone and reading materials at your desk (No leisure-reading on the office loo!)
- No eye contact! Don’t you dare make small talk.
- Double check the lock.
- No lingering! Do your business and bolt.
In the office bathroom, we either pee, or we poop while we pretend we’re peeing. There is no in between. How many hours a day do we spend at work? Aren’t we constantly drinking coffee at our desks? Office poops are inevitable and yes, sh*t happens. But stealthily.
To master the office poop, you must become a master of illusions. Like a Vegas magician, you are crafting an alternative reality for your loo audience. You must set a mysterious shroud over your actions, where no one can tell whether you’re taking a dump or peeing. You must become the Criss Angel Mindfreak of the communal toilet.
You do this or do not, there is no try. But for those who dare to do, you are in the right place. We ourselves are masters of disguise. We’re here to help. Here we offer our best tips for every nightmare scenario of pooping in public.
Someone is in the Stall Next to You, Help!
We assume your office has no private stall. God help you. Ideally, we’re always pooping in an empty bathroom. But office poops are far from ideal. So some pee-er has parked in the stall adjacent to you. You wait. This is your first move. Wait for them to leave. It’s your safest choice. And if you cannot wait, or there’s a line, well you must poop. You must poop. You will have to use every tool available to you to conceal your true actions. Create a distraction.
Drown Out the Poop-Plops
If a log falls out your assh*le and no one could hear it, did it really make a sound? Unfortunately, yes. But you can do your part to drown out the plop. In a noisy bathroom, you can play with the toilet paper roll. Scuttle your feet. We’ve even heard of people using toilet paper in the bowl first to muffle the splash.
Your loudest plop-covering action is flush at the same time as the plop for high-key subterfuge. If you do flush while pooping, your best pooping position is squatting. Otherwise, your ass is in the splash zone, and not in a fun TUSHY way. Do not be fooled into thinking a cough will cover your plop. This barely works for farts.
Whoever Smelt it Dealt it (How to Mask the Smell)
To prevent a stinky situation in the first place, you can use a toilet spray. The trick with Poo-pourri and its cousins is using good smelling oils to create a film on the surface of your toilet water, trapping stinky smells before they contaminate the air.
Once the kids are comfortably at the pool, you can Febreze that sh*t. Febreze during. Heck, Febreze before. You can even Febreze when you’re only peeing, so people won’t know whether you’re masking a smell. Never leave the office toilet smelling like air. You’re better than that.
Can’t Get the Timing Right
Are you always in the bathroom in high-traffic times? This probably has to do with your daily routines. Unless you want to change your wake-up time or when you take your daily dose of caffeine, your timing is going to stay tied to your body’s routines. If you do want to create new body routines, check out bowel retraining. Be forewarned, it requires parking on the john for 15-20 minutes at the same time every day, which isn’t super work friendly. But it’s honestly a good work-from-home project!
Got WOAH? (Wide-Open-Ass-Hole)
We want work poops to be quick and easy, and your pooping position helps dictate your ease of pooping. Squatting helps relax the muscles around your anus, and straightens the colon, facilitating an easier release. Easy, breezy, beauti-hole.
Your Stall is Out of Toilet Paper
Here, you have some options. The simplest one may be to ask your stall neighbor to hook you up with some paper. If the bathroom is empty, you can sneak to a neighboring stall yourself. If all the stalls are TP-free, you can seek a substitute. The paper towel roll is a trusty standby, just be sure to dispose of the paper in a waste bin instead of down the tubes.
Up-end your purse and pockets - do you have kleenex? A bottle of water can stand in as a TUSHY travel. Another option is texting your work BFF to help you out. If you’ve exhausted these options, you may need to take a hard look at your outfit. Does your underwear have to make it home? Be honest with yourself and you’ll find your answer.
Escapee: You Farted at the Urinal
You thought you only had to pee, but suddenly you’ve farted in the bathroom’s open air. So here’s what you do, are you ready? Do… nothing. Do not acknowledge the fart. Simply pretend nothing happened, and it will almost be like nothing did. This trick goes both ways. If your urinal neighbor farts, guess what? No, they didn’t.
You Clogged the Toilet
Quit. Bleach your hair. Change your name. Wait, no. Sorry we panicked for a second. But you can handle this. Take a deep breath.
First things first: turn off the water source, so we don’t go full flood. See if there are any tools nearby like a plunger to help you handle the clog DIY-style. Plunge for your life. If there isn’t a plunger, you may need to get help. You can go ahead and take another deep breath before you report the problem. Saying “the toilet is clogged” is sufficient, you never need to report your involvement.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs):
How much money do you make pooping at work?
It depends. Jeff Bezos makes about $222,884 a minute, whether he’s shitting or working. Poop donors can make up to $13,000 a year selling their toilet bombs. Really! And federal minimum wage is $7.25 an hour, so a 5 minute poop pit stop would earn you $.60. If your toilet break is less than 20 minutes, your employer has to pay you for your time. You can calculate your rump dump rate here. Cha-ching.
What’s the best way to sit while pooping?
There are only 2 verified, scientifically-proven pooping positions: sitting and squatting. With sitting, the knees are even with the hips and the shins are perpendicular to the ground. With squatting, knees are above the hips and make a 45-degree angle with the legs. The short answer is that squatting creates less strain. If you don’t have a TUSHY Ottoman at your office, you can put your feet up against the wall of the stall. As a bonus, you may be able to convince the people who can’t see your feet that your poop is coming from a ghost.
How can I poop quietly?
The noisiest potential points of the pooping process are A) when it leaves your body and B) when it plops in the water. Let’s take A first. If you have gas, you may get fart noises with the poop. Not ideal! See if you can control a quiet fart first, before you’re pants down on the toilet. This will help to keep your bum mum. For the splash, some say you can aim for the bowl of the toilet to avoid a plop at all. This is risky! It could backfire, creating multiple sounds and splashes. Meanwhile, smaller poops create quieter splashes. If you control the poop to be slower, your plops will be easier to cover with bathroom noises. Sneaky!
Wrapping Things Up
We all must poop at work, but it isn’t for the faint of heart. You must pretend you are only peeing. To do so, you must cast a series of diversions, illusions and manipulations to deceive fellow toilet-goers. You must manufacture pleasant smells to subvert your poopy ones. You must time noises to mask your plops.
Every successful office poop is it’s own little miracle, and you are the miracle maker. There are pitfalls, from toilet paper shortages to clogged johns. While a TUSHY Travel can help with the former, it is only your God who can help you with the latter. But brave poopers have weathered worse before you, and you won’t be the last. Good work today, venturing to do what literally all of us do, and none of us will admit to. And if all else fails, go savage on the toilet at your nearest Starbucks.