Adult skidmarks prove the whole wiping thing ain’t working. Thank goodness America is finally catching on to bidet life. Bidets and bidet attachments eliminate furious wiping to clean your bum with a fresh stream of water after you poop.

Anyone at any age can learn how to use a bidet and enjoy a booty that’s twice as clean from a spray that’s 3x gentler than toilet paper. This guide will give you a 100% success rate of not looking like an asshole when you try a bidet for the first time.

Step 1: Do Your Business 

Bidets go way beyond #2 and are great at cleaning your entire bottom post-workout, before/after sex, and when you’re on your period. Sit down as normal and do the deed. Don’t be shy about splashing! The most thoughtful modern bidets have hygienic nozzle guards and even self-clean pre and post-plop to ensure you’re spraying with fresh water.

Step 2: Aim Your Sprayer 

Every booty is unique, especially if a large-headed kid tore your sh*t up.  It may take some experimentation to get the water to hit your b-hole like a bullseye. Try sitting on the middle and front of your toilet seat while leaning your body back and forth to test the water angle. 

• Non-electric bidet attachments typically have a nozzle adjuster to target water flow and a knob to increase pressure. Start low and slow on the pressure until the spray is perfectly angled. 
• Temperature-controlled bidets work the same way with the addition of an extra knob to increase water warmth.
• Electric bidets usually come with a remote control or a side panel of functions, including nozzle adjustment, front and rear washing, heated seats, and drying. 

Important: DO NOT SPRAY without first sitting on the bidet! 

Step 3: Wash Your Butt 

Maintain a squatting position with your knees higher than your hips to relax your muscles. (A pooping stool helps with this!) Slowly lean forward and back as you increase pressure to give the snatch and balls a good once-over as well.

Wash for 5-30 seconds, avoiding the highest pressure setting as that can enter accidental enema/douche territory. Water temperature is up to you! Washing with a bidet removes 99% of poop particles* whether you use cool or warm water.

*Yes, we said poop particles. Aka the invisible bacteria left behind after you wipe with dry paper. These particles hitchhike to your hand, phone, and any surfaces you touch. Meaning? Your house is likely full of shit if you’re still wiping your butt. 

Step 4: Pat Dry 

Your butt is sparkling! Now what? While the drip dry method is always an option, your ass has places to be. Simply pat dry with a small towel (reserved just for your booty) or use a couple squares of regenerative bamboo TP. 

If you opt for a more luxurious electric bidet rather than a non-electric bidet, you’ll have the option of a bum dryer. And that’s how you know you’ve made it, friends. 

Step 5: Wash Your Hands

This step doesn’t change! Although your hands will be way cleaner than if you would have wiped with toilet paper. Washing with a bidet prevents poop particles from transferring to your hands and phone, where they can live for up to 7 days! But stay humble, and wash your hands anyway. Bathroom surfaces still contain germs.

Watch this video to learn how to use a bidet like a pro.

Why We Love Using a Bidet 

• No more smearing. Wiping spreads bacteria around your b-hole. Washing with a bidet removes 99% of poop particles! 
• Hands-free cleaning. You don’t have to touch your dirty butt to clean it. 
• Easy doo-it-yourself install. If you can remove a toilet seat, you can install a TUSHY bidet in less than 8.5 minutes. 
• Money in your pocket. The money you save by using less toilet paper will pay for your bidet in less than a year. 
• Healthier parts. Spraying yourself with clean water instead of chemical-packed TP or wet wipes protects your delicate booty skin and prevents UTIs while gently washing around hemorrhoids. 
• Healthier pipes. Imagine never clogging your toilet EVER again. Bidets help your plumbing live its best life and can potentially save you from costly plumber visits!
• Healthier planet. Bidets save trees AND water that would otherwise be flushed to produce toilet paper. 

It’s possible to feel cleaner and more confident after your poo. Bidet life is way less intimidating than you think. Once you properly wash your anus, you’ll never go back to dry, scratchy, unhygienic wiping.

Frequently Asked Questions 

1.  How do you use a portable bidet?

Fill your travel bidet with clean water from the sink. Sit on the toilet as usual (or squat in nature). With the nozzle extended and the spouts facing toward your bum, squeeze the bottle until a stream of water comes out.

2.  Is the bidet water clean? Or is it toilet water?

The water from your bidet comes directly from your plumbing source – not the toilet bowl. Meaning it’s the same water you’d use to brush your teeth. Fresh and oh-so clean!

3.  How often should you clean a bidet?

Some bidets come with a self-cleaning nozzle that will automatically clean your bidet before and after use. Points for sanitation! For bidets without a self-cleaning nozzle, a good rule of thumb is to clean it around once a month. Simply wipe the nozzle with an antibacterial wipe or solution.

4.  Do you have to wipe before or after using a bidet?

There’s no need to wipe before or after you go. If the idea of going totally paperless freaks you out, you can use a few squares of bamboo toilet paper to spot-check your booty between sprays. However, bidets are meant to give you an entirely hands-free experience. 

5. How long should you use a bidet for?

Activate your bidet for anywhere from 5 to 30 seconds for your desired clean.