1. ANALyze This

One more game of Candy Crush while you’re sitting on the toilet never hurt anybody. Sure your butt has fallen asleep and your legs feel like they belong to no one, but it’s totally fine. Right? WRONG. Sitting on the porcelain throne for too long can cause a butt load (literally) of issues. “Pooping shouldn’t be a drawn-out process. You’re better off keeping your toilet time to less than 10 to 15 minutes,” says psychiatrist in the department of gastroenterology, hepatology, and nutrition at the University of Pittsburgh, Gregory Thorkelson, M.D.  Staying on the toilet causes your body to force poop. This straining could lead to hemorrhoids. No one likes hemorrhoids. So rather than scrolling through reddit reading up on Jon Snow’s parenting theories or recording toilet boomerangs, get up. Not before cleaning with TUSHY of course.

2. Naked ASStrology

Whenever things feel a bit off, and by off I mean your brain, body, and emotions are fighting against each other to bring you down and leave you to lie waste in a crumpled heap on the floor, odds are Mercury is in retrograde. What does that mean? Retrograde motion is an apparent but not actual change in the movement of the planet through the sky. It just appears to move backwards based on the relative positions of Mercury and Earth and how they’re dancing around the Sun. It’s also the time when astrologers predict chaos, hell fire and brimstone to reign down on earth. So if you’re feeling like the shit has hit the fan these last few weeks, feel free to blame tiny little Mercury. But rest assured, Mercury is back on track for now. Until December 3rd to be exact.  If you don’t believe in this stuff, then good for you! I haven’t pooped in days and I’m blaming it all on Mercury.

3. The Aftermath of a Hurricane

Hurricane Harvey has proven to be one of the most devastating natural disasters in the history of the United States and its aftermath is proving to be just as fatal. One of the more pressing issues that the people of Texas are experiencing is that the contaminated flood water can lead to disease and infection. When people try and leave their homes and walk through flooded water, they come in contact with raw sewage and chemical and fire ants (but that’s a whole other nightmare). “That water could be contaminated with agents or microbes that could cause gastrointestinal disease,” Landesman said. “Then let’s say they walk through [contaminated water] and they have open wounds, all of these microbes can get into the open wounds. So there’s potential risk of infection.” For information on how to help those affected by Hurricane Harvey, visit the American Red Cross.