Our fellow pooping humans: our presidential inauguration ushers in a new era with new leadership. At the same time, our bathrooms are experiencing a sea change unto a new culture, characterized by one slogan: Bidet 2020. With great hope and optimism, we offer these words to our beloved nation.
TUSHY bidets sit before you today, humbled by the task ahead of us: to bestow upon every willing American assh*le a nice wet wash. It is a new day for the butts of our nation. This day, we lay to rest the skid marks and stanky undies of the past. We turn towards the future with great hope and optimism for clean little b-holes.
We move forward with great gratitude. We are grateful for the butts who have helped make the bidet revolution possible. We thank our predecessor Toilet Paper for its storied service to our nation, and for lowkey stepping down vis a vis the whole toilet-paper-magedon thing.
We also remember our heritage. From outhouses to porta potties, our forefathers have stood sentry while Americans dropped their johns. And we are mindful of the itchy a-holes of historical Americans, but these days have passed. Now having regarded our past, we acknowledge what has been made clear: it is a brand new day. A day of promise for a new generation of American butts.
Today’s American butts are fresh as hell. They are well washed and beloved. They are proud and thick, juicy and strong. They have regular poops. If they enjoy anal sex, they do it on the reg. They do not waste toilet paper. They don’t sweat too bad. They even know how to poop at work without raising eyebrows. These are great, proud American assh*les.
The challenges we face are real. There are squishy poops that really get in between the cracks. There’s constipation and pushing too hard. For some, there’s even a fear of getting wet back there. And our greatest collective challenge: people who bafflingly believe that toilet paper is cleaner than a bidet. These challenges are serious and they are many. But know this, America: each can be well met by TUSHY’s butt fountains.
Starting today, we strike forward with a new vision of America. An America that chooses clean butts over dirty, bidets over TP, and healthy guts for all. We stand united with the intention to forge into better years. Not just for the next 4-year-term but for a generation of real pooping humans. With eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carry forth the great gift of bidet culture and deliver it safely to future generations.
Thank you. God bless you. And God bless the United Butts of America!