Posterior Digest: March Edition
06 Apr, 2021
Spring is on the verge of sprunging and poo is still making headlines.
Every month, TUSHY drops a load of the hottest news about butts. Yes, we’re re-crapping all of March’s best news scoops about poops.
Associated Press: Biden Dog Drops Dookie in White House
It’s time to bust out the presidential steam cleaner! One of President Biden’s dogs dropped a dump in the hallway outside the Diplomatic Reception Room. Not particularly diplomatic!
Biden’s dogs, Major and Champ, recently returned to the White House after Major caused a minor injury to a member of the Secret Service earlier in March. It’s said both dogs were undergoing training. Apparently the training didn’t curb pooping in historic hallways.
This is not the first incident of dog crap in our presidential home. President Obama’s dog Sunny liked to sneak off and poop in the mansion, too! What else is a presidential dog to doo?
Business Insider: Amazon Drivers Report Pooping In Bags On The Job
No surprise here: working conditions at Amazon are sh*tty. How sh*tty are they? Well, drivers have revealed that they had to poop in bags on the road.
Delivery schedules are so tightly scheduled that peeing in bottles and pooping in bags is a common part of delivering Amazon packages. Oh dear. One delivery driver explained that getting her period was a nightmare, because she didn’t have the time or space to stop and change her pad. “It’s inhumane to say the least.” We agree, of course.
Congrats to the Amazon workers in Alabama fighting to form a union so they can negotiate for better conditions. You guys are the sh*t, in the best possible way.
IFL Science: Deadly Poop? Yes! Flesh-Eating Germs Linked to Possum Pellets
Who knew poops could kill? A flesh-eating bacteria has been reported in 33 countries worldwide. This nasty bug causes ulcers that begin like innocent bug bites, only to destroy the affected area in a matter of days if left untreated. Check please!
The World Health Organization is still unclear how the bacteria spreads to humans, but one theory is popular: that possums have tested positive for the bacteria, and that it hangs out in their poo. Mosquitos may be involved in contracting the illness from the possum scat, and then passing it along to humans when they feed… on our blood… which is a normal thing that just now struck us as quite disconcerting.
Investigations into possum poo remain ongoing. For now, be sure to use bug spray and keep an eye out for bites that become ulcers. It could be very bad news, indeed!
New York Post: Dog Poo Killer Pleads Insanity
So this guy in Denver, Michael Close, fatally shot a woman and injured her boyfriend over a dog poo incident last summer. Now, he’s pleading insanity... We’re not legal experts, but this checks out!
Apparently, the deceased woman, Isabella Thomas, and her boyfriend Darian Simon, were walking their dog. When the dog went #2 in the rock garden outside Close’s apartment building, the alleged killer brought an AK-47 into the fray. Kind of the opposite of bringing a knife to a gun fight.
Close is facing 22 criminal counts in the shooting. A court-ordered mental health examination is now underway to determine his mental state at the time. Again, we’re no experts, but safe to say -- not good! If he’s successful with his “not-guilty-by-way-of-insanity” plea, he will be committed to a mental health facility instead of prison. The family of the deceased is “furious” at the plea. Guess we’ll have to see where this one goes!
Ahhh we always feel better after dropping a fat load... of poop news!
You’ve just enjoyed March’s sh*ttiest headlines. Tune in next month to stay current on the freshest scat stories as retold by TUSHY. And if you’re perusing this post on your throne, consider making yourself comfy with a TUSHY Ottoman.