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ANALyze This: An Interview With My Dad About Poop

My favorite things to do with my dad are sh*t talk the president, eat entirely too much food (while promising to lose weight after) and talk about poop. It hasn’t always been this way. Though my dad has always been pretty open about his regularity, I certainly have not. I remember one Christmas dinner when I was in high school, he and my grandma (his mother-in-law...for context) had a nice long conversation about the best laxatives to use when your “stopped-up” and what those laxatives do to you. I solemnly pushed away my plate full of wonderful Christmas feasts that I had been waiting for since last Christmas. Corn pudding doesn’t come around all the time, ya know. They still have these conversations very openly, the only difference now is, I join in. I sat down with my dad (via Google Hangouts) and had a chit-chat with him about why he’s so open about his bowel movements and more importantly his bowel health.


Hey Dad!

Monster! How’s my sweetie? 

I’m good. Very excited about this poop chat.

Me too, Monster. You know that’s my favorite topic. I’ll talk about it all.

(Laughs) Oh, I know. That’s so much for doing this. So let’s get started. Now our family talks about poop a lot. You and grandma particularly… why do you think that is?

I think it’s because it is just part of what human beings do. And I realize that everybody is not comfortable talking about it because of the mess… M-E-S-S, associated with cleaning yourself up but I look at it as the ultimate relief.

(Laughs) Honestly, same. Pooping feels great.

Yea, pooping feels great. Honestly, I’d rather poop than eat but ya gotta eat to poop.

Nah uh! I don’t believe that

It’s true! I pooped before I came home today and I feel like I can conquer the world. (Laughs) I really did, I couldn’t wait to get rid of the customer.

[I laugh hysterically.]

They were holding me up. I didn’t want to prairie dog.*

Oh my gosh. So you don’t mind pooping in public places.

Well, it wouldn’t be my preference. As you know, I love pooping in my Master Bathroom so I can look out the window. Ya know, I have my schedule and I kinda look forward to it first thing in the morning after I take my pills around 7/7:30 I’m normally in the bathroom relieving myself.

So it’s like clockwork for you?

It’s like clockwork. Every now and then you can expect to be thrown off by the change in environment or change in residence. Just like when we go to the Dominican*, I may have to get used to a different sized toilet seat. The low ones don’t work for me. I like the high risers. I’m a big guy.

Do you have any poop horror stories? Like an instance where you had an accident or me or Felicia* had an accident that you had to deal with.

I don’t remember you ever having an accident. I can’t really relate to that. I know sometimes when I’ve had to break wind and I thought that all it would be was air and from an accident standpoint, it messed up many Fruit of the Looms for me.

Yep, those are the worst.

What do you call that? Does TUSHY have a name for it?

The world has a name for it. I don’t think I should say it.

Oh ok! (Laughing) It doesn’t feel good. It bothers you all day

Yea, and it stinks!

(Laughs) Yea! It stinks too, that’s the thing! Then you gotta look at…

What? (laughs)

Ugh, thank god that doesn’t happen often. But when it does, be prepared.

With another pair of underwear. So switching gears a little bit, when you had to go to the hospital for your colon issues, could you explain what that was.

I had a condition called diverticulosis, which is the inflammation of your colon. When that happens, a lot of times when you’re eating, your colon tends not to break your food down as well as it should. So I had to get 5 feet of my colon taken out because it was rotting away. If you can picture, like a Pacman just eating up things along the way. That’s what the diverticulosis was doing to me.

Wow.*

Also, coupled with that, I had a mass. Masses are usually associated with cancer and mine happened to be non-cancerous, thank God. But it was interfering with my bladder and with my urinating. In men, the prostate is so close to the rectum so when one thing takes place in that particular area, it affects the other. So the doctors basically had to reconstruct that area for me in a 10-hour surgery. Now I have to eat my food slowly to make sure food doesn’t get caught up within, what they call, pockets of diverticula. Diverticula is different from diverticulosis. Diverticula is acute pain that one might feel from time to time if they don’t digest or chew their food very well.

And has that experience changed the way you think about your bowel health and what you consume?

Definitely. I chew my food a lot slower. I drink plenty of liquids, especially water and I make sure, on a daily basis, I get a proper amount of fiber. Like today, I had a salad mixed with tomatoes, romaine lettuce, cucumbers, olives, and apples. There’s a lot of fiber in apples. I also had a boiled egg cut up in there. I did that today because I wanted to repeat what I did yesterday. I had the same thing yesterday and had one of the best poops of the month as a result of eating those foods.

On a scale of 1-10, how was that poop?

With 10 being the highest? … probably 10 and a half.

Oh my. (laughs)

It was a kaboom. It was a major kaboom. It was nice and solid. Nothing about it was runny. I was very happy, it made my stomach very flat. I was proud of myself, struttin’ around the office.

Ok. What in your opinion are the best laxatives?

I use laxatives… actually on a daily basis. I wish it wasn’t like that but with the operation, I have to. I use Swiss Criss and this is the sweetest laxative. I like it because it gives me a natural relief from constipation. Everything comes out pretty smooth. I don’t use the over the counter stuff. I get this from the GNC store. It never causes any cramping. I never have any discomfort and I can count on it to work on a daily basis.

I remember when I was living at home, you would always ask me to go get you Swiss Criss and I never knew it was a laxative.

Oh, really? You thought it was candy?

No, but I guess I never thought to look. You would just ask me to bring you two.

I thought you would at least read the container. It's great stuff.

It smells like black licorice.

It’s wonderful.

Since I’ve installed your TUSHY for you, how has that changed your poops?

I need one in my master bathroom because you know that’s where I like to poop. But when I do poop downstairs, it makes for a wonderful experience. I feel like a king. I used to stand up and wipe but now I can just sit down and the TUSHY cleans me up. I hope I’m using it right.

How are you using it?

Well, I poop. Then I use TUSHY. Let it run on my butt and then I dry with some toilet paper and then I’m all ready to go.

Yes! That’s exactly how you use it. (Laughs)

Get me one for my upstairs bathroom!

I will, Daddy, I will!

After that, we just talked at length about how he’s telling all of his friends about TUSHY. People ask me how I’m able to talk about poop so much and truthfully it’s because of my dad. Thanks to him, I’m pretty good at my job. Getting him a TUSHY was the easiest decision I’ve ever made and for father’s day, I clearly need to get him another for his master spying bathroom. If you’re wondering what to get your dad for Pop’s day, TUSHY is pretty perfect because most dads will say the bathroom is their favorite room in the house.

 
Editor's Notes
*- Praire dogging is when you poop pokes its head out of the hole. You know, like a prairie dog. 
*- My sister's name is not Felicia. She would kill me if I used her real name. 
*-That "Wow." is genuine shock. I didn't know that. 

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