How to Cure Your Smelly Balls for GOOD
18 Feb, 2021
How do we put this delicately? You know how sometimes your clankers are stankers? Like, when you’ve got funk in your junk? That thing when your brass smells like ass?
We’ll just come out and say it: balls stink. It can happen to everyone with testes. And in our view, funky junk is no big deal. It simply leaves you with 3 options:
1) shame (0/10 we don’t recommend)
2) embrace your stench (iffy, but hey it’s a pandemic)
3) tame your crotch jungle (easy, practical, life affirming)
If your, uh, teabag smells like sour milk and you’re eager to eliminate your odor, read on. Today, we’re talking about how to stop smelly balls:
What Causes A Swamp Crotch AKA Smelly Balls?
When it comes to a stinky sack, the biggest culprits are sweat and folds.
Between your ball folds, the skin rubs against itself causing dead skin cells slough off. This plus moisture creates one of your body’s hottest spots for odor-causing bacteria and yeast.
On top of that, sweat glands that are particularly dense in the pant tent region. Your groin has two types of glands, eccrine and apocrine, and the latter produces your musky smell. Other culprits of a stinky sack include:
The number one suspect in a stinky sack situation is that cha balls aren’t clean. There’s a lot of surface area for smells to hide. And the dark, damp, warm folds of the area are a prime location for bacteria. And if you start your day with a little bacteria down there, you will end your day with exponentially more. And it can really stink.
What’s the old adage: You are what you eat! And if you eat junk, your junk will smell like feet. That may not be canon, but there’s evidence that some foods amplify body odors. Red meat, alcohol, junk food and spicy foods can all make you musky.
Poor Clothing Choices
Tighty-whities aren’t just a fashion fail. They keep your balls constricted, which means you’re basically hotboxing your crotch. When there’s no air flow, there’s no place for sweat to go. And sweaty balls are stinky balls.
How to Stop Your Balls from Smelling
Swamp crotch is a lot like the more famous swamp ass. Just like a stinky booty, the reek mostly comes down to sweat and bacteria. Damp plus warm plus bacteria = sweat and a sh*t ton of bacteria. The solution to smelly balls is chipping away at every part of that equation. Here’s how:
Give Your Balls a Thorough Wash
This is a no brainer. Make sure to give your guys a good wash in the morning. By washing in the AM, you are resetting the amount of bacteria in your groin region first thing. Since bacteria multiplies exponentially throughout the day, you want to get that initial count down -- this really diminishes how much stinky bacteria can accumulate before the day is done.
Shower After Exercising, Always!
If you’re working up a sweat, your guys are gonna lose their cool, too. Sweaty balls lead to stink, and it will just get worse unattended. If you’re avoiding ball stank, you need to give the bros a thorough wash after each and every run.
Let Your Sack Dry Completely Before Dressing
To cut down on sweat and bacteria, you really wanna get ahead of dampness. You’ve got to start the morning dry. If you start dry, you are much more likely to stay dry.
Powder it Up to Help Keep it Dry
Now that you’re dry, you want to keep it that way! All balls are going to sweat. So the trick is sprinkling powder on your nethers before getting dressed (hit the whole area and don’t skip your inner thighs). Look for talc- and aluminum-free products like Brickell Stay Fresh Body Powder and Chassis Premium Powder. If you’re not a powder guy, go for a gel with a powder finish, like Manscaped Crop Preserver.
Wear Cotton Boxers (Maybe Ditch the Briefs)
Let your boys breathe. Air is nature’s moisture wicker. If there’s no air down there, there’s no way for your sweat to evaporate. As we now know, moisture breeds bacteria which leads to stink. Natural, breathable drawers will help keep the air flow flowing so you don’t end up with musky junk.
Consume Less Junk Food
Junk food can contribute to junk funk. One stink-inducing ingredient is sugar. When you binge on high-glycemic foods, it hits your bloodstream and can change the chemical composition of your sweat. That sugary sweat interacts with bacteria on your skin and gives you bad B.O. When you cut back on junk food (which invariably has sugar in it somewhere, along with other possible stink makers), it helps get ahead of this stinky mix.
When to See A Doctor
If this is a sudden problem rather than a general ongoing one, or if you’re experiencing new symptoms, that’s a sign. For example, rash, redness, swelling, itching and irritation are all “see-a-doctor”-worthy. You can definitely try over-the-counter powders and the other moderate approaches listed above. But if this doesn’t work, you may have an underlying medical problem (think: thyroid issue). Buddy up to your GP to take good care of your penis’s best buds.
Sweaty Balls FAQ
Is it safe to put baby powder on your balls?
Ehhh we vote no. Baby powder is made of talc, which in its natural form contains cancer-causing asbestos. Of course baby powder manufacturers attempt to remove asbestos before their powders hit drug store shelves.
But more than 8,000 lawsuits have been filed regarding baby powder causing ovarian cancer, with more than $5 billion in settlements. Evidence of talc causing cancer in men is much more limited, but when it comes to balls we err on the side of caution.
Why does my groin smell so bad?
If your junk ranks high on the stink dial, it probably comes down to sweat. Warm, moist, dark areas breed bacteria, which is stanky.
Can I put deodorant on my balls?
Probably not. Most deodorants include aluminum to block your sweat glands from producing sweat. Blocked sweat glands can become swollen, irritated and itchy. Best to use ball-friendly powders, free of talc and aluminum.
How do you keep my balls smelling clean?
If we had to boil it down, we’d say: keep your balls clean and dry, with daily morning showers and powders. Also eat healthy foods, and ditch your briefs for boxers. And you can generally keep your nethers fresher with a TUSHY bidet attachment.